20
Feb
11

Bleeding Heart and Replacements

“The human heart, at whatever age, opens only to the heart that opens in return.” – Marie Edgeworth

Gypsy’s death, if truth be told…knocked me out – physically and emotionally. The bars, behind which I had managed to incarcerate my vulnerability, simply collapsed. Various floodgates ruptured and a barrage of feelings, pent-up expressions, pain and memories burst out.

I blubbered.

Now, I cry very easily and that is why I am severe with myself because when I am vulnerable, my continued existence becomes weaker than normal and then I generally get used, laughed at, taken for granted and given unsolicited and gratuitous advice.

*

“Move on”, was a suggestion.  Similar to the one I heard a long time ago, soon after being ruthlessly distressed at various levels.

“Chalo yaar, you are old enough to bear it/Get a pup/Itnee si umar mein yeh tension lena?” were some other recommendations/comments offered by supremely certified insensitive human creatures!

*

So, if one were to lose a child or a wife or a husband or a lover or someone…the ‘mature’ solution would be to get another – a replacement? Thus moving on in life!

Mature or not – but many are fairly successful in acquiring substitutes – with great ease.

I have not been ‘mature’ at this level too. My traumas will last a lifetime and my soul will continue to wrinkle.

*

“Get a companion….. You are still young….. You have given up your life for your children and family….. Its time you found someone…..”

If I am still young then I wonder what old is.

In India, you are aged the day people start calling you uncle.  And, when you are addressed as Dadaji or Babaji…you might as well contemplate suicide! It’s as if, your death-knell has been sounded and chances are that if you were to even look at a cow longer than what may be required – you will be branded as a lecherous old man!

*

“The problem with you,” someone once stated, “is that you don’t hang out and because you don’t hang out, you are unable to network…and because you are unable to network you are financially and emotionally broke.”

On and off, I thought about this comment for a long time and then decided to ‘hang out’. A resolution like this was not easy – but, no harm trying to un-gird.

So, with visions of emotional solvency, I accepted two separate invitations to fairly large musical evenings. For the second venture I even wore an Aligarhi pyjama with long Lucknowi kurta – my trademark attire eons back.

The said social outings were failures.

I found the atmosphere stifling; the singers mediocre; the conversation gratingly synthetic, the intellectual levels puerile and on both occasions I left early.

*

“The trouble with you…….” And this time it came from some other sources – close ones, I must acknowledge.

“The trouble with you,” continued these close ones with obvious concern and a singularly passionate one-track mind (albeit on different time scales and places), “is that you don’t have a companion!”

“By companion…you mean what?” I hedged.

“A woman!  You are lonely and must have a woman in your life now. Go find someone!” Was the biblical counsel.

*

Of course I am lonely, and of course, I would like to have someone to cuddle up to, and of course

All I want

is to sleep,

inhaling

the signature smells

of her

body and feeling the skin

pulsate with the

timbre of her breathing flowing in my

ears……

with gentle fingers

creating

soothing waves.

But for someone who is reduced to a silently personal condition of moist eyes by the most innocuous of events, sights and sounds; diljala and carrying baggage; suspecting the very fundamental nature of the word ‘Trust’; with no social status or money; set in his ways; constantly into the wilderness to soothe the soul….I doubt if any woman is out there.

Uncomplicated female companionship is desired but remains a fairy tale.

How does one establish

a link

that would in an instant

wipe out

all the pain from my body,

the anger from my mind,

the coldness from my heart?

Thus

bringing me crashing down

to earth,

cushioned by the tenderness of

your quintessence.

One hopes such a fall

would happen; but

like the tripping that occurs

before deep slumber,

reality wakes me with

a sharp mental slap

and I

wipe my unshed tear

and continue

looking

for that elusive

contact.

 


1 Response to “Bleeding Heart and Replacements”


  1. February 20, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    The google ad at the end of this post is saying “Learn your human rights now! Did you know you have 30 human rights? ” – google bhi nasihat de raha hai!!!


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