21
Jun
11

Dancing with Demons

“Language…has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich

This may rouse those once again, who were somewhat stirred by ‘My Way’. I was pleasantly surprised by their reaction after that posting…but none commented on the blog site!

Two themes that were the quintessence of most emails – “Is blogging like an online personal diary for me?” and, “How could I be so open about myself?”

I have thought about these aspects at a personal level and continue to do so. And, even though, blogging may be mildly interesting for me, let me assert that I am not the ‘diary kind’ and there are many things I don’t share and probably never will. So, the question of a personal diary – online or otherwise – does not arise.

Also, if I were to really be unfettered about my views……

So, watch out for the posting that ends with a farewell!

 *

However, one of the many things I have speculated about myself is my character imperfections. For example, it irks me no end as to why the hell do I help others without a ‘return gift’ in mind; steer clear of unpleasant scenes at the risk of it being taken as a weakness and the inability to really let my dark side take over – be able to guiltlessly lie, plot, bamboozle, exploit people – be a real bad arse! Behave in the way most people conduct themselves….with the lies, subterfuge and the constant lust to control.

For years you think you know the person and one day you realize that you don’t. It was a sham. So, I blight myself for not being on the ball within the human arena. And, then there is no point really asserting that I never forget nor forgive!

 *

Somewhere for some inexplicable reason, the tagline from the movie ‘Primer’ keeps prodding me in a hackneyed manner – “If you always want what you can’t have, what do you want when you can have anything?”

 *

Here is a situation: Imagine you are living very close to a septic tank that leaks. The seep-out and the stink can be tapped but it is somebody else’s job to do it, not yours. The ground reality is that you cannot leave because there isn’t any other place to go. What will it take for you to convince the other beings that the septic tank is their responsibility and it needs to be plugged?

Their answer always is, “We have no problem and if you don’t like it, leave or get it repaired.”

The plain and simple ‘dadagiri’ – the asli India that is incredibly shinning steadily. So what will you do? Will you get it repaired by spending money from your pocket and then curse your inability – your cowardice – or continue living next to the septic tank that leaks and stinks?

 *

It is said that there are these vicious and virtuous cycles/circles.  I really hate myself for not being able to cross-over to the realm of the dark side – the vicious circle. Why is it that when matters can be solved amicably, there are those who refuse to listen to reason and take the hard-line. And, why am I not able to let go the beast in me. I know it is there, for it has crept out on occasions in the past. I have always seized and controlled it.

But it is there gathering strength and I am troubled that it might just pass through conveniently.

Really dark days and still refusing to open that inviting door.

 

 


4 Responses to “Dancing with Demons”


  1. 1 Amishi Gandhi
    June 22, 2011 at 8:54 am

    “Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?” – Unknown

  2. 4 sacredfig
    June 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    I wonder about the vicious/virtuous thing – I think that even if you were to ‘go over to the dark side’ – it would really not be that bad. I’m convinced that there’s such immense evil in the (human) world, that there’s no way you or I can compete – even if we try quite hard….our ‘evilness’ is really quite wimpy!


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